Vocal Training

Had my first appointment with the speech therapy people today.

Was just an assessment really.

He learned more about me and what I wanted, then I was hooked up to a throat mic and we did some measurement of my modal pitch.


Now, if I have understood this right, my pitch is almost female and almost certainly in the higher end of gender neutral.

Trouble is, speech is a complex thing and my problem is resonance and the way I speak. Apparently, I clip my vowels and have a rapid pattern of speech.

So, I need to bring my voice off my chest and into my face. Yeah, up into my face is what he said!! I also have to learn not to clip my vowels!

So, basically undoing almost 28 years of habitual speaking!!

Please, excuse me whilst I get on with my exercises.

*starts to hum*

Friendship..........

What does the word friend mean to you?


I have something on my mind and it bothers me. Friends. I have a few friends. Some are great friends, friends that I'd gladly put my life on the line for and I have some friends that have been merely a passing ship that have dropped anchor on the island of my life.

I blame social networking for the dilution of the word friend. So easy to be someone's friend simply because you think they have a nice ass or maybe they post a silly picture or two of a cat doing something cute.

But proper friends. Those friends that have seen you bleed, emotionally. Those friends that pick you up, patch you up and send you on your way knowing all is well. They are rare.

I make connections easily with people despite being usually socially awkward and I have a tangled, disjointed memory of a lot of people over the years. People I have only met once, briefly over coffee and people who I have spent a considerable amount of time with too.

But I'm a poor maintainer! I lay the blame squarely at my feet. I'm a poor communicator of sorts.

And now I feel the tendrils of another friend slipping out my grasp. I've probably only maintained this particular friendship because we spent a good few years in each others company, in the company of others. But as our party disbanded, we drifted. We went our separate ways to do our own thing. We maintained our friendship merely because we are united by a common bond and a mutual interest.

But I feel that even this friendship is slipping out my grasp and I blame myself. Like so many of my promised friendships, I fear this one too will become another memory.

Of course I can fight it. I can try to strengthen the bond but I'm a mess when it comes to fabric of friends. I don't know what I'm doing. I know how to listen, but useless with soft words. I will step out in front of a car for you, but I couldn't tend your wounds. I would travel the world to be by your side to comfort you, if it was in my power but I can't pick up the phone to see how your day has been.

I am a pitiful person. And I am destined to travel alone with my memories, with only hitch-hikers for the occasional company.

Hunger

Something I have realized over the years and that is I find the act of eating an inconvenience! I find it interrupts my day and it strangely it annoys me!!

Now don't get me wrong, I know I have to eat to survive. To maintain my place on this spinning ball of wet rock I have to consume food and fluids. Nutrients, fats, proteins, carbs and whole host of other stuff are all vital in making this body move from heartbeat to the next.

But I bothers me that I have to take time out or plan around the act of eating food. I can, and have, gone without food for a whole day based on the fact I just don't want to eat. I also know I'd probably go for much longer without eating but the sensible part of my concious tells me that I have to or hospitals and doctors will have to start getting involved. And that sort of thing really messes up your day.

I know longer register hunger anymore but then again I have never let it reach a stage where it probably hurts. I'm told proper starvation actually hurts.

I have noticed that when I don't eat that I also don't sleep either, which is strange considering the lack of calories I throwing down my throat. I know from various sources that in people who don't eat properly, the body consumes itself. And yes, this bothers me considering there is not much of me in the first place.

But I still can't get out of this stupid loop of "oh no, got to eat again" mentality and this should bother me, but it doesn't. And that should bother me too, but it doesn't!

And the crazy thing, I like to cook. I love planning a meal or something similar.I love taking the time out to prepare and cook something. I love to bake too. But the act of eating just feels like a waste of time to me! I sit down with my creation in front of me and I just feel, meh!!

ZzzzzAPPppp

Had my first course of IPL for the facial hair issue I have.

It's an issue that depresses me to the point of despair and depression. I shave my face till its raw and then I shave some more because I am still not happy. I have lost hours in front of a mirror plucking patches out my beard area. And I have even on occasion refused to go out because of it.

Even make up doesn't cover the problem. I still see it as a stain on my face no matter the layers.

Well, I was told about about a website that deals in special offers for beauty therapy. And there I found an offer, six course of IPL for £119 on the face area.

And today I had my first course. I am happy beyond words and strangely emotional. I won't lie, I've had to hold back the tears as I feel like crying.

She has said I'll need at least 12 courses but the next six will still only cost me £120.....

High Heels!

Been a while since my last post hasn't it! Sorry about that!

Anyway, been doing some thinking and some pondering and planning!

I have decided in July to attempt at least an hour each day to the wearing of a special pair of heels that I own!

OK, the heels in themselves aren't very special. They don't make me levitate, run super sonic or given me other super powers. They are special because they are pink and they are sparkly! And they are a concern because they are heels! I have slowly been getting use to wearing heels more and more. I own a pair of open toed wedges and a pair mary jane style heels. The wedges are about 2" high and the heel on the MJ shoes is about 3" and of that chunky sort  that is very forgiving of the terrible way I walk in these sort of shoes! But I am learning and I have successfully managed two outdoor trips in the heels. One in the rain, no less!! Head up, back straight and one foot in front of the other. Literally, one foot in front of the other. It's hard to break from my old man stride but these things must be broken!
Anyway back to the special pink sparkly heels, these heels are about 4" and are that pointy sort! Stilettos I think. (Mental Note: Learn to identify heels) I'm not sure if stilettos is just the name for the style of heel or a very particular type of shoe. And I have never been able to wear them for more than hour without both the back of my legs and my feet screaming in protest! I would like very much to able to wear them from my house to a venue, party and the venue and then come home again still wearing them! Only after that should my feet and legs ache.

So I have decided that the shoes need breaking in properly and so do I. An hour a day, two if possible to help me and them adjust. And the reason, well Pedestal happens at the end of July and I want to be able to wear my pink sissy dress and the heels for the night!!

I am going to have learn to adjust my poise and my gait so I can achieve this.

I have my goal and I have my plan. Maybe I should get one of those Pedometers to help count the steps. I have also realized that I live in an area with a comfortable set of roads in an almost perfect square. I could head out my door, walk round the block and be back again in 10 minutes. In a normal pair of flats that is!!

Damm, I need to find deportment lessons!!

Dressed

And no where to go.....

Today's blog is a primarily a photoblog.

This is literally every dress I own including my "costume dresses"!

The reason for these recent fashion photo collections is so I have a base to work from when figuring out what I need based on what I have.

I'm not really sure what else I should say really!

Branding

Was the LFF yesterday. For those not in the know the LFF stands for the London Fetish Fair.

The day started off wet and miserable, pretty much like it had been for most of the week. My mood wasn't too great and my finances were even dire! I almost called the whole thing off. But I had made plans and I had had my legs waxed on the Friday for the event so I thought what the heck. I'll drag myself along any way. Found the money from somewhere and was able to get the money I needed. Which was good. A quick shower and a wet shave later I head to the local shops to get breakfast and raid the cash point of my newly acquired wealth.

When I got back my neighbour was waiting on my doorstep. I'd mentioned in the past of my trouble at plaiting my hair in bunches and she had offered her services if she was free. She's a mum and I think her daughter has got fed up of having hers done by her mum! She's a good lady.

After she had left I made breakfast and dossed about on the laptop for a bit whilst munching bagel and tea. And when it got nearer the time I prettied myself up! Starting with the make up. Also a first for me was eyeliner. It looked a mess to me but inspections later revealed that I was being daft!!

Anyway, make up done I organised the stuff I was taking with me like camera, spare socks (it was raining and I was wearing the Mary Jane shoes!), purse and all the other bits and pieces I'd need. Then I got dressed. I chose to wear the purple loli dress. I do like the loli dresses but until the last LFF I had never had the courage to wear them in public. After the last LFF in May, when I wore the pink one, I quickly realized that it's just a dress. Slightly more flamboyant maybe but a dress none the less. It's not to short and as long as I'm discreet and careful I don't flash my knickers!! Being discreet and careful just means I have to be a bit more feminine than usual in my actions. Like the way I sit, stand, pick things up, etc etc........ And being feminine is a good thing.

So, once I was ready I quickly popped over the road to the local clothes boutique where my neighbour was hiding out and got me zipped up and my bow done up at the back. I like it in there. They are everyday people with no connection to the BDSM scene and I trust them to give me an honest opinion on how they'd think the public would react to what I wear. It's a real boost to my confidence.

So, onto the Fair. This involves 30 minutes by train from where I live. I really thought that because of the weather, the Fair was going to be really quiet. But it quickly got quite busy. Went round and said hi to the usual faces. A lot of people complimented me on the dress and how cute it all was. I really wish I could afford to buy more of those dresses. I do rather like them a lot!! Spent most of the day flitting from one table to the next, chatting with friends. At one point I found myself locked in an interesting device that is worn around the neck and brings the hands up to a prayer position. Which was all rather fun! I do like those sort of metal restraint things. Shortly after that I found myself in a rocket shaped cage in the play area which was also a lot of fun. And in there I found myself being "molested" by one individual which was also a lot of fun! Though it would have been nice if he'd asked me or Miss first. So once realised from my bonds and shackles I wandered a bit more and watched the Fair part of the day collapse to make way for the After Party.

You see, the Fetish Fair isn't just a kinky market. There is an after party too, where all the stalls are packed away and the dungeon equipment is spread out and the patrons of the Fair get to play with their new purchases (of course, they can bring their own kit too). This was part of the day I was excited about. I'd asked a good friend and a trusted one if he would brand me! I knew he could do it, I knew he'd done it before and I trusted him to do it with injuring me, himself or burning down the venue. Why, do I hear you ask? Why did I want to be branded? Curiosity was the reason, I wanted to know what it felt like. There is also a complicated back story too but irrelevant right now!!

So after much munchies and a rest period for Sire (aka Mr Tart, aka T5Tart of EdgeplayErrmmmmm, rather embarrassed to say I drifted off. I felt each sting but I couldn't tell you how many or how long it took. Now, I say sting because that's what it felt like. Being stung very briefly with no residual pain or discomfort. It felt good too. I felt no heat or burning sensation just this quick short sharp sting! And yes, I freely admit to zoning out!! Took ten minutes.

Oh the technique, well along the drawn outline the red hot "dental pick" was dabbed gently and briefly against the skin. The finished result is a series of dots or "snake bites", I think Sire called it.

Anyway, after I gained my sense I got to wander round a bit and show it off. To my amazement there was no pain or anything.
I was also rather amused by the people who was wearing medical masks, which they were doing for serious reasons of course. But they did look silly.
The brand looked good, felt good and I was pleased with the final results. Also, I think Sire might have a string of "patients" for the snakebite treatment!! A lot of people liked my cutie mark!

It's Monday now and over 24 hours have passed by. It still looks good and whilst it tingles a bit it is in no way painful. I'm very aware of catching it on things like clothes or duvets. But I'm taking care of it and I'll make sure to keep it clean! I'll follow up with more pictures as it develops.

Resolution!

Is there a difference between "acceptance" and "coming to terms"?

Couple of months ago I wrote a thread on LiveJournal, well a rant actually about my last appointment with a certain Dr with a certain reputation at the GIC in Charing Cross. For those that missed it or want to refer to it here is the link - transgender.livejournal.com/2455912.html

Well, after I had calmed down and read through all the comments I wrote a letter of complaint. The next day I wrote another one, this time without the profanities and a little bit more like I'd be proud to hand it to my English Teacher! I didn't use the big angry red crayon on the second letter either!

I got a reply to that letter in the form of a phone call asking me what I wanted as a result of the complaint and how the procedure works. I told them I'd rather like it if I didn't have to see the Dr again. Asking for him to strung up from a street light was stupid, I know but I actually did say that! What can I say, the guy had really pissed me off!

Anyway, the complaints investigation takes 28 days and Monday I got the letter outlining the outcome.  I could bore you with the whole letter if you like but I'll spare you the dull bits!

The letter starts with establishing that I have been in attendance since September 2009, changed my name last September and started hormone in January of this year! It also states that I have seen Dr B three times and Dr L three times. Also, I was told that as part of the investigation my files were looked over and Dr B was interviewed! (I only hope electricity and a bright shiny light in a dark room was used!)

Quote from the letter -
"His conclusion, outlined in the letter, were in that in his view you were only just managing in a female role and as yet had not gained acceptance from your family. Dr Barrett's advice to got your grandmother's funeral in a female role was given in order to promote and progress your Real Life Experience in relation to your family. He also highlighted in his letter concerns that if you did not find occupation fairly quickly he anticipated that precipitous social decline would follow."

"Finally he stated - "She will be reviewed in due course when I do hope that she has managed to address these things, as I had a fairly frank conversation appraising her of how I saw things moving or, perhaps, not moving particularly quickly."
The rest of the letter states that Dr B had no intention of bully me and acknowledges that his conversation was quite frank in nature. He also states this is his usual tact for patients in a similar social circumstances. It also states that occupation is a very important element in terms of clinic protocol regarding Real Life Experiences! It also states that Dr B had no opinion on my choice of attire on the day of my appointment!

The summary -
"In summary Dr Barrett's advice was given in good faith and in order to facilitate your further progress within a female role. He acknowledged that some of his remarks were frank in nature, however he had concerns as to your lack of progress together with your social and economic circumstances. I am sorry for any offence this caused you and I hope that the explanation above helps you understand Dr Barrett's motives"
It finishes by saying I won't get a further appointment with Dr Barrett as I have requested! So I assume I'll continue to see Dr L and be assigned another Dr should second consultancy be required. Here's hoping!

I started this post with a question, I won't make you go back up and read it! Is there a difference between "acceptance" and "coming to terms"? I think there is, but whilst I was typing this I realize I may have the two backwards. I think my parents have accepted what I have presented them with but are now in the "coming to terms" with what that means! I don't know, like I say. I probably have it backwards and Dr B is right on that!
As for his motives. I understand his motives, it's his technique that I have issues with. I don't get asked why I'm failing in a female role just battered with lectures on what he thinks is stopping me from progressing!
And I won't get started on what's holding me back, work wise, as it's too long winded and really not indicative of my trans status but rather my other various hang ups!

Oh, and I asked my Mum her opinion on the letter and she agrees with Dr B on the stumbling block in my female progress. So I asked her what I should be doing. Bearing in mind last September when I told my Mum about the name change she burst in to tears for a whole day! Now I'm asking what I can do to be a better women! Anyway, she said I tend to revert and "slob out"! She said I should shave every day and put on a basic foundation everyday, even if I'm not going out! I don't shave everyday because I tend to get depressed with the results. I also see a thick shadow no matter how close or how bloody my shaving gets! She reckons by shaving everyday and putting make up on over the top will hide the negativity I see in the result! I don't do the make up everyday because I worry about the cost and don't see the point unless I'm going out! Thinking on this I have decided that I shall attempt to shave every day and use a basic layer of foundation everyday.

I am going to have to chase up a few things with Dr L but that'll have to wait till August when my next appointment is!

Thank you for reading! Comments and Questions in the usual place. Leave your tray tables in their upright position and remember this is a residential area, so please leave quietly!

Skirtng The Issue

Yesterday I had a problem. I wanted to go shopping with my parents and the weather was warm and sunny! I thought that since my Mum seems to be getting round to the idea of me in a skirt and of being seen with me in a skirt, I would wear a bloody skirt to go shopping in! Trouble was finding the right top to go with it! I know I had one somewhere. I had the wardrobes out, the drawers were emptied and even the old storage boxes where I knew clothes had been left since the move. But could I find this one simple black top to go with the skirt I had chosen! Like heck I could! I got into a strop and just gave my parents a shopping list! Now most of you are saying, just wear another top or wear a different skirt or the tried and trusted jeans & a t-shirt combo!
To you I say this. I have no other tops that I would feel comfortable pairing with any other of my skirts! That's right! I'm very concious of co-ordination!! As for the jeans, well I'm sick to the back teeth of compromising every damm time! And most of my t-shirts are my old mens ones. Which are comfy but have no shape to them! And have the opposite effect on what I'm trying to achieve. Now I have a few t-shirts that I bought back in the day but I have grown to dislike them! I am quite long in the body you see and these t-shirts tend to show a lot of the rid midriff! A good look on some girls but me, well I just feel self concious about it!

So I have decided on a game plan and I've already started. This game plan should see conclusion by the end of August and should see at least 95% of my old male wardrobe in storage. By the end of the year these should be either sold or redistributed! The other 5% are useful clothes that are handy to have around.

Yesterday I made a start by vac bagging the jumpers and the shirts. I don't need the jumpers right now any way because the summer is here. (Despite the rain) Trousers will go next! And once I have something to replace them with, the plain t-shirts will be last! Working clothes, comfy lounging clothes and favourite t-shirts get an automatic reprieve! As does underwear and socks!!

Also on the list to go are clothes that I bought when I was still nervously and randomly buying things without trying them on first or have bought online only to discover they don't fit!

Look Dr Barrett, I do wear skirts!!

One of the upshots of all the drama yesterday was that my Mum came back from the shopping trip not only with my shopping but three tops. All of which look good and could work well with various outfits!!

Oh and one other thing. I took some photos today of my skirts. These are the ones I own! All of them!

Oh well, I suppose I better go put them back on the hangers then!


PS. Expect a repeat with my tops and dresses sometime in the future when I've fixed the lighting problem.

The Dying Geek!

As I sit here I realize a couple of things!

1. I'm hungry, we'll deal with that later.
2. A good friend of mine might be dying.........

I sit here on the cusp of my thirtieth birthday and look back at what my life was and I look back at how I have changed. And I realize that my inner geek might be dying.....

When I left school I would have called myself a geek or a nerd or any of those often yelled vernaculars used to insult the often intelligent outcasts.I would have been proud of this. I knew they meant to hurt my feelings but I was not hurt. I went to a boarding school for the challenged. A place where kids were sent because they had trouble adjusting in regular schools for various reasons.

So I spent a lot of time on school grounds! I spent a lot of my free time, when I could reading. I often found myself reading dictionaries, encyclopaedias and educational texts! The way schools love to label, analyse and assess their charges, and by this process it was deemed that I was at least three years ahead of my game. I played chess with others and by myself. I churned my way through new tech and old. Devoured science and maths with greed. Learned electronics and pushed my teachers into getting PICs. The weekly escape to the local shopping centre I could be found in the Library instead of madly trying to buy sweets or toys or jokes. The library was safe and quiet and huge. The scale of it hide the numbers of people it could hold and I felt alone. It had a free art gallery which changed on a fortnightly basis. When I did brave the shopping centre it was usually for parts or components or stuff for projects. Or for books. In school one night I remember breaking into the school computer room to turn the four old slow PCs we had into one big faster PC. I even overclocked it before I even knew of the lingo or its consequences!

I was socially awkward and quite shy. Didn't like to communicate with others much either. But when I left school I found a job. It wasn't a bad job and it was in a sector of the employment market I wanted. I made friends and I adpated to the changes. But I spent most of my first wages on electronics and robotics, and built my own little friends. Learned about muscle wires! I also fell heavily into roleplay. The sort that allowed the imagination to run riot. I bought Warhammer and DnD books. I bought the little models too. I even started buying my computer consoles and games around this point. I played until I mastered them. I bought more books and I studied them. I learned more slowly but I was intrigued by science and technology. I learnt how to become a computer engineer for the fun of it, spending a fortune. Got my degree but got nowhere with it! Highest in my class too!

But these are all memories now. Stuff I have done. I don't feel I have broadened that side of me for quite sometime now. I still have the DnD books and the character sheets but my last solid game was a good 12-18 months ago! Shamefully I can't even remember where my dice are!
Gaming has changed too. Become so mainstream that now I feel out of the loop. In fact my last console purchase was a Dreamcast!! Sure I have two MMORPG accounts but I hardly feel inclined to play them any more. Of all the horrors I seem content with Farmville and the library of other Facebook apps.
The regular computer upgrades have died a death and my computers last personal touch was at least three or four years ago. I could no longer tell you the going rate for components like I use too either.

Maybe books are where I was destined to lie. There are book geeks after all and I am still a happily confessing bibliophile! It's seems like my last sanctuary.

As technology rapidly changes everything that use to be so special or unique has become a little bit mainstream. I fall sharply behind the times when sharing the lastest funny webcomic or a brand new video. Everybody seems to have seen it already! I have become a sheep following the flock with using overused movie quotes and not so funny one liners.

I am also no longer the shy socialy awkward boy that I was when I left school. I have evolved into the person who I feel more comfortable calling me! But am I happy with what I have left behind, what I have sacrificed in doing so! I'm not sure. I still want to build that little do-hickey. I still want to summon forth the wrath of the gods with the roll of a dice. I want to know what is wrong with my computer, diagnosis it and go get the parts like I once did! But I seem unable to.

Like many secondary school personae we choose to weild, we seem to cast them aside into adulthood and strangely this saddens me greatly. I shed the mantle of my geek with reluctance. Not because I choose too but because I have lost the quest details. I am missing the pieces. Don't have the full set of dice! Or maybe I have found my path and no longer need solace in the activities that sheltered me. Maybe they were only coping mechanisms or a way to escape reality.

All I know is I no longer recognize the person I once was. For all its good and all the bad!

Ho Hum!

I promised myself that I would try and write at least a blog every other day. Trouble is I'm stifled for ideas on what to write.

So, errrrmmm, not much to report really.

Had a rough nights sleep last night, so after the postman turned up I popped back under the duvet for a brief catch up. Exciting, no!

After my nap I had a hot shower. I indulged in a rough scrubbing routine and polish. Always makes me feel much better. Also had a wet (face) shave which also makes me feel good too.

Aside from my nap and pampering, I have been trying to find sewing patterns on the net but I'm not having any luck .

Dinner was made. Cheesy pasta bake. Very yummy!

Generally loafing about was what my day consisted off today and a good day it was too! Finishing it off with The Magic Roundabout on DVD and a slug of good Cherry Brandy. Oh and this pitiful blog!

Nuisance

I worry sometimes if I am a nuisance to other. And when that happens a strange cycle happens!

I worry that I can be overbearing, clingy or generally a bother to deal with.

I worry that I message others to much to the point they stop replying or ignoring me because they have become fed up with my constant messaging.

I worry about asking them if I have become a burden for fear of angering then, upsetting them or making them feel guilty.

I worry about being an attention seeker outside of the usual circumstance!

I worry about what others think of me or think about my creations or achievements.

I worry that because I'm overbearing or a bother that I'll lose my friends.

I worry that I'll die lonely because I have driven my friends away.

I worry that I'm too needy despite thinking I'm independent.

I worry I ask too much of my friends.

I worry I ask too many questions.

I worry, I worry, I worry...............

London Munch

Tonight was the London Munch and in my effort to be more social active, I went!

I almost didn't, I felt a little headachey and a little tired!! But after realizing I was making excuses I rushed to get ready and have a bite to eat before I left! Luckily I live close to the station that almost drops me off on the doorstep of the munch!

Not really sure what to say!

OK, wardrobe choice first! I was going to wear a red knee length evening dress but changed my mind for some unknown reason! Went with a red blouse and a knee length leather skirt, could almost be called a pencil skirt. I like pencil skirts. They narrow my gait and give my stride a more feminine fall! On top of that neutral skin colour stockings and a pair of heels! Heels are something I am going to have to master! I know not all ladies wear heels and I know in this day and age they aren't a requirement to being a lady. But I feel that I should at least make an attempt to wear them! I'm not doing too bad in the walking front. It requires a little more finesse. No, the problem lies in the endurance and how they ache the feet after a while. Need to do a bit more walking about in the heels I've got! My feet don't actually feel too bad right now, so I must be doing something right! Anyway, that was fashion choices.

My other new thing is improving my make-up!
Usual foundation technique, layer of tinted moisturiser then the Ben Nye concealer topped off with the Avon Ivory foundation and ivory powder foundation!! Getting really good at it now!! And I was rushing too!! The big thing for me is eye make-up. I'm still learning this! Decided tonight to use a new palette I bought with Miss the other day. Went with black!! Usually steer clear of black, always afraid I'd end up panda bearing myself. But it was subtle, I think! I topped this with a silver shimmer that I have lying around!! Don't think I did a bad job! Finished off the eyes with mascara! Liking the mascara but I wonder do all women pull silly faces when applying it!

I felt good, I thought I looked OK and off to the munch I went! Long story short here. Stayed a bit, had a glass of red wine, spoke to some old friends, left! Didn't stay long, maybe a couple of hours. The London Munch is held in a cellar bar and can get quite crowded! Still have issues with crowds that don't move! Crowds that flow like in clubs or shopping centres I'm fine with. But an inner part of me still dislikes that stationary crowd effect! Maybe if I had been with someone, gone with someone, it would have been different or if I had got there earlier and found a comfy corner seat out of the way! Perhaps!!

Also noticed that in a pencil skirt and heels distances seem to double when you walk any where!!

It was a good night, even if it was brief. I will try to make it regular, hopefully!

Collared!

I'm not really sure what to talk about in this new, personal mature (yet sometimes silly) blog about my journey through the world of transgender transition, BDSM and how they often merge. SO I have decided to open up the floor to my readers!! Actually, do I have any readers yet?? Probably not! Ermm, if you do read this a small comment would be nice just so I know I'm not talking to myself!! And like I said, I'm going to open this up to my readers!! Leave a question in my comments section and I promise a sensible reasonable answer to the best of my intellectual abilities! Don't ask me the meaning of life, try to keep on topic!! And for the record the answer is 42!!

Now, something I did want to talk about and have been struggling to find the words to articulately express it, is about collars!! The reason it is difficult subject to broach is the sheer fact that in BDSM collars have different meanings for different people and my view on them might be polar opposite to another's!

I now own three collars. One I use for play! It's thick, robust and great for restraint or control. It's also a great marker in clubs to denote my status as a submissive! Though to date, a lot of clubs I have visited it's easy to pick out the subs from the Dom/mes with or without a collar! My second collar is not so chunky and not really ideal for robust play! Good marker to show position and perfectly acceptable if you want to lead me round a club on a leash! But restraint, not so much! I'd be worried about damaging it or it damaging me! Now, my third collar is extra special and is a new addition! It was given as a gift.

Now, collars that are given as a gift can hold significant importance. But to be given one is different to receiving one. What's the difference, I hear you cry! Well, let me start by saying this is my view only! To be given a collar as a gift can hold no more importance as gift given at a birthday or christmas. It's a well thought out present from one person to another. An important treasure, yes, but not as the received collar! Which I can only compare to the wedding ring. A sign or token of commitment denoting love, trust and honour! A received collar may have no practical use, it may only be decorative band that the submissive wears 24/7 to show a bond with the Dom/me that presented them with it!

I thank Miss for the gift of the collar. It's very pretty and very comfy!!

Also, I should say that all three of my collars are pink!! I like pinks!! And purples!

Choking!

I had a good friend stay over on Saturday night! She came to help me with some sewing projects and to see if my sewing machine actually worked!! I think it does, we never actually got far enough to make anything!!

There was shopping involved, we bought fabric at an extortionate price and some bits and pieces for the machine. Miss searched for patterns to make bloomers! By the time we actually got round to making anything it was late and apparently I deserved a spanking!!

So on to the bed, laying over a couple of cushions, my ass in the air and I was given a beating!! A warm yummy, stingy beating. Every now and then I remember being asked a number to rate the pain! Anyway, after the beating I was quite floaty and very happy! I was wrapped up in a blanket to keep me warm and I was cuddled!! I was a happy masochist! And then the nipple clamps came out!! I think I asked for them! Now you have to remember that I am on hormones for my transition and these are making my boobs grow! I call them my magic boob candy! Anyway, one of the side effects of these is that they make the nipples really really tender and sensitive!!

So, tender means pain and the sensitivity meant arousal!! Yup, that's right!! He woke up!! He is my penis, for those that don't know!! He is part of me and I have to put up with his unruly behaviour! But it is not often I get such a response from this sort of play!

Play ensued (and I'm not talking about sex or blow-jobs) and despite most of the arousal driven by "him" I didn't lose my sense of femininity! I don't even think I got to shoot a load to be satisfied! Since my transition got serious I was scared that any play with a women would make me lose my female identity, even briefly. Does that make sense? I hope so! I think I made Miss happy without needing to play the man and "hide the sausage"!! And she made me happy too without needing to resort to "riding the disco stick"!!

Also something else happened that I found interesting!! During the session (I really need to find a better word, play sounds childish and session sounds like a business transaction) quite a few times pressure was placed on my throat, almost choking me. This isn't something I've ever done before but I have to say I didn't totally disprove of it!! It's not something I would ask for or seek from a partner but I certainly wouldn't call a time out! Depending on the severity of the thing!

Another thing. I may have orgasmed without shooting a load. I can't be sure but I certainly felt something that resembled the tension and the wave of euphoria of an orgasm!!

New Ramblings!

I've been asked to write a daily blog of my thoughts and whilst I have a livejournal page I like to keep that one office and family friendly. I tone down a lot of what I think and what I do in those blogs.


This one will be very mature in content with some possibly detailed ramblings about what I get up to in BDSM.
Those of you that are new to me, well I am a submissive masochist with a reasonably decent pain threshold and a love of restrictive bondage. Despite the mature disclaimer I am often silly and often bratty but always playful. A lot of what this blog is about is about what I might get up to in clubs and events. Also for those that don't know me I am currently undergoing transition, gender transition. I try to present as female as best as I can. I have issues occasionally about my appearance. I identify as female and I'm more comfortable presenting as female. Currently on hormones. There will be more about that on this blog too. Occasionally the subjects might merge. Pictures might also find their way here too and they may be a bit rude!!

I should also mention that I am typically hopeless at maintaining these sort of virtual drains of the mind and I rather suspect that I might possibly miss a few day or a few weeks!!

Let the record state that at the time of this writing, I am single (and looking) and I'm 29. I'm bisexual but hoping to settle down with an understanding Lady. My pessimistic side tells me I'll be single and I kind of suspect it is correct.

So, this is my first blog. I wanted to write about the Lady that asked me to blog more often and about her visit yesterday! I'm not sure I can do the thoughts in my head justice to the way I'm feeling right now.