Nuisance

I worry sometimes if I am a nuisance to other. And when that happens a strange cycle happens!

I worry that I can be overbearing, clingy or generally a bother to deal with.

I worry that I message others to much to the point they stop replying or ignoring me because they have become fed up with my constant messaging.

I worry about asking them if I have become a burden for fear of angering then, upsetting them or making them feel guilty.

I worry about being an attention seeker outside of the usual circumstance!

I worry about what others think of me or think about my creations or achievements.

I worry that because I'm overbearing or a bother that I'll lose my friends.

I worry that I'll die lonely because I have driven my friends away.

I worry that I'm too needy despite thinking I'm independent.

I worry I ask too much of my friends.

I worry I ask too many questions.

I worry, I worry, I worry...............

London Munch

Tonight was the London Munch and in my effort to be more social active, I went!

I almost didn't, I felt a little headachey and a little tired!! But after realizing I was making excuses I rushed to get ready and have a bite to eat before I left! Luckily I live close to the station that almost drops me off on the doorstep of the munch!

Not really sure what to say!

OK, wardrobe choice first! I was going to wear a red knee length evening dress but changed my mind for some unknown reason! Went with a red blouse and a knee length leather skirt, could almost be called a pencil skirt. I like pencil skirts. They narrow my gait and give my stride a more feminine fall! On top of that neutral skin colour stockings and a pair of heels! Heels are something I am going to have to master! I know not all ladies wear heels and I know in this day and age they aren't a requirement to being a lady. But I feel that I should at least make an attempt to wear them! I'm not doing too bad in the walking front. It requires a little more finesse. No, the problem lies in the endurance and how they ache the feet after a while. Need to do a bit more walking about in the heels I've got! My feet don't actually feel too bad right now, so I must be doing something right! Anyway, that was fashion choices.

My other new thing is improving my make-up!
Usual foundation technique, layer of tinted moisturiser then the Ben Nye concealer topped off with the Avon Ivory foundation and ivory powder foundation!! Getting really good at it now!! And I was rushing too!! The big thing for me is eye make-up. I'm still learning this! Decided tonight to use a new palette I bought with Miss the other day. Went with black!! Usually steer clear of black, always afraid I'd end up panda bearing myself. But it was subtle, I think! I topped this with a silver shimmer that I have lying around!! Don't think I did a bad job! Finished off the eyes with mascara! Liking the mascara but I wonder do all women pull silly faces when applying it!

I felt good, I thought I looked OK and off to the munch I went! Long story short here. Stayed a bit, had a glass of red wine, spoke to some old friends, left! Didn't stay long, maybe a couple of hours. The London Munch is held in a cellar bar and can get quite crowded! Still have issues with crowds that don't move! Crowds that flow like in clubs or shopping centres I'm fine with. But an inner part of me still dislikes that stationary crowd effect! Maybe if I had been with someone, gone with someone, it would have been different or if I had got there earlier and found a comfy corner seat out of the way! Perhaps!!

Also noticed that in a pencil skirt and heels distances seem to double when you walk any where!!

It was a good night, even if it was brief. I will try to make it regular, hopefully!

Collared!

I'm not really sure what to talk about in this new, personal mature (yet sometimes silly) blog about my journey through the world of transgender transition, BDSM and how they often merge. SO I have decided to open up the floor to my readers!! Actually, do I have any readers yet?? Probably not! Ermm, if you do read this a small comment would be nice just so I know I'm not talking to myself!! And like I said, I'm going to open this up to my readers!! Leave a question in my comments section and I promise a sensible reasonable answer to the best of my intellectual abilities! Don't ask me the meaning of life, try to keep on topic!! And for the record the answer is 42!!

Now, something I did want to talk about and have been struggling to find the words to articulately express it, is about collars!! The reason it is difficult subject to broach is the sheer fact that in BDSM collars have different meanings for different people and my view on them might be polar opposite to another's!

I now own three collars. One I use for play! It's thick, robust and great for restraint or control. It's also a great marker in clubs to denote my status as a submissive! Though to date, a lot of clubs I have visited it's easy to pick out the subs from the Dom/mes with or without a collar! My second collar is not so chunky and not really ideal for robust play! Good marker to show position and perfectly acceptable if you want to lead me round a club on a leash! But restraint, not so much! I'd be worried about damaging it or it damaging me! Now, my third collar is extra special and is a new addition! It was given as a gift.

Now, collars that are given as a gift can hold significant importance. But to be given one is different to receiving one. What's the difference, I hear you cry! Well, let me start by saying this is my view only! To be given a collar as a gift can hold no more importance as gift given at a birthday or christmas. It's a well thought out present from one person to another. An important treasure, yes, but not as the received collar! Which I can only compare to the wedding ring. A sign or token of commitment denoting love, trust and honour! A received collar may have no practical use, it may only be decorative band that the submissive wears 24/7 to show a bond with the Dom/me that presented them with it!

I thank Miss for the gift of the collar. It's very pretty and very comfy!!

Also, I should say that all three of my collars are pink!! I like pinks!! And purples!

Choking!

I had a good friend stay over on Saturday night! She came to help me with some sewing projects and to see if my sewing machine actually worked!! I think it does, we never actually got far enough to make anything!!

There was shopping involved, we bought fabric at an extortionate price and some bits and pieces for the machine. Miss searched for patterns to make bloomers! By the time we actually got round to making anything it was late and apparently I deserved a spanking!!

So on to the bed, laying over a couple of cushions, my ass in the air and I was given a beating!! A warm yummy, stingy beating. Every now and then I remember being asked a number to rate the pain! Anyway, after the beating I was quite floaty and very happy! I was wrapped up in a blanket to keep me warm and I was cuddled!! I was a happy masochist! And then the nipple clamps came out!! I think I asked for them! Now you have to remember that I am on hormones for my transition and these are making my boobs grow! I call them my magic boob candy! Anyway, one of the side effects of these is that they make the nipples really really tender and sensitive!!

So, tender means pain and the sensitivity meant arousal!! Yup, that's right!! He woke up!! He is my penis, for those that don't know!! He is part of me and I have to put up with his unruly behaviour! But it is not often I get such a response from this sort of play!

Play ensued (and I'm not talking about sex or blow-jobs) and despite most of the arousal driven by "him" I didn't lose my sense of femininity! I don't even think I got to shoot a load to be satisfied! Since my transition got serious I was scared that any play with a women would make me lose my female identity, even briefly. Does that make sense? I hope so! I think I made Miss happy without needing to play the man and "hide the sausage"!! And she made me happy too without needing to resort to "riding the disco stick"!!

Also something else happened that I found interesting!! During the session (I really need to find a better word, play sounds childish and session sounds like a business transaction) quite a few times pressure was placed on my throat, almost choking me. This isn't something I've ever done before but I have to say I didn't totally disprove of it!! It's not something I would ask for or seek from a partner but I certainly wouldn't call a time out! Depending on the severity of the thing!

Another thing. I may have orgasmed without shooting a load. I can't be sure but I certainly felt something that resembled the tension and the wave of euphoria of an orgasm!!

New Ramblings!

I've been asked to write a daily blog of my thoughts and whilst I have a livejournal page I like to keep that one office and family friendly. I tone down a lot of what I think and what I do in those blogs.


This one will be very mature in content with some possibly detailed ramblings about what I get up to in BDSM.
Those of you that are new to me, well I am a submissive masochist with a reasonably decent pain threshold and a love of restrictive bondage. Despite the mature disclaimer I am often silly and often bratty but always playful. A lot of what this blog is about is about what I might get up to in clubs and events. Also for those that don't know me I am currently undergoing transition, gender transition. I try to present as female as best as I can. I have issues occasionally about my appearance. I identify as female and I'm more comfortable presenting as female. Currently on hormones. There will be more about that on this blog too. Occasionally the subjects might merge. Pictures might also find their way here too and they may be a bit rude!!

I should also mention that I am typically hopeless at maintaining these sort of virtual drains of the mind and I rather suspect that I might possibly miss a few day or a few weeks!!

Let the record state that at the time of this writing, I am single (and looking) and I'm 29. I'm bisexual but hoping to settle down with an understanding Lady. My pessimistic side tells me I'll be single and I kind of suspect it is correct.

So, this is my first blog. I wanted to write about the Lady that asked me to blog more often and about her visit yesterday! I'm not sure I can do the thoughts in my head justice to the way I'm feeling right now.