OK, you want to talk, let's talk!

A lot has happened in the past month or so! And a couple of disturbing incidents! Disturbing for me and for those that have chosen to care for me!

And I have been asked to talk! I think it's to help resolve the road blocks!

But despite my constant banter and playful chatting, to talk about me is not an easy as it sounds. Especially when it comes to how I'm feeling.

I've made no attempt to hide my past, my childhood! I was an emotionally and mentally unstable child! No one really knew why! They threw fancy initials about and gave me long winded labels, and they sat me down to talk! To talk about why I was the way I was! They asked me questions about my parents, about school, what I liked to do and what I wanted to do! And they wanted to talk about my emotions! Then they told me that I shouldn't bottle up my emotions, they told me I should scream and shout, wail and talk about my emotions! So I had my hissy fits and my temper tantrums, I screamed and let out my emotions! Cried when I was sad, yelled when I was angry, cowered when I was scared, hide when I wanted to be alone! And then I'd find a grown up and I'd talk!

Then I got a little bit older and certain people got "concerned" by my outbursts! They seemed to be surprised by them and couldn't understand why I was acting out the way I was. And I couldn't find the right words to express why I did what I did. When I said I was unbottling my emotions, they turned on me. Called me an attention seeker. Suddenly, there was no more grown ups that wanted to hear me talk. I had no way to turn off the tap, the lid of the bottle was lost! But there was no one there that wanted to listen!

"Oh, just leave him alone! He's just an attention seeker!"

"He's just acting out for the attention! Ignore him!"

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to! I'd wail, scream, shout, go off and find a dark place to compose my thoughts! But no one wanted to hear them!

So fashioned a new bottle not for my emotions but one for my thoughts! I'd go dark places deep inside and I'd squirrel my thoughts away!

I adopted the mantle of attention seeker, though it weighed me down! I didn't know how to switch off the dark emotions, didn't know how to express them lightly! Most of all I forgot how to speak those thoughts!

So now a days I am at conflict within myself! I am full of lost thoughts, dark emotions and troubles that I find hard to unlock to talk about!

I run off to dark corners to catalogue my thoughts, because I have lost the ability to share them! I have lost the ability to talk! I want to talk, I want to wail and scream and voice my darkest heart but I don't know the words anymore. The are locked in a room in my mind barred by the mantle of attention seeker!


Be careful, very careful with the advice you give a troubled child! Sometimes it'll stick even though you think they aren't listening! I listened as a child and a lot of things sunk in. A lot of things that adults shouldn't say about a troubled child! A child who just wanted to talk!

The Easter Weekend Photoshoot!

WOW! What an Easter weekend it has been!!

Firstly there was Pedestal on the Friday, which was its usual glorious event. I always have a marvellous time at Pedestal.

Then on Saturday I was invited to and attended a photoshoot, on which this post will be about!

And finally on Sunday I attended Toppers Easter Special! Which was amazingly good fun despite me feeling a little tired! I'm not use to such lengthy routines and it's something I've been trying to get back into because I have been getting lazy and tired!

But back to the photoshoot!

I didn't think it was going to happen because of Pedestal the night before is quite a busy day for me and I don't get home till the early hours on Saturday.
But forces conspired against me and I was compelled to attend. But other forces to the negative meant I almost had to beg forgiveness and cancel on the day. My own brand of OCD was storming the beach head of doubt and was helped by the suggestions on what I should pack, which was vague! Getting nearer the time I was experiencing panic attacks and doubt! Doubt on my own abilities!

Let me explain. When I want to do a photoshoot it's usually only after I know what I want, the theme and what I want to wear! The photoshoot this weekend wasn't my idea and I had no idea what to pack! So I was panicking!

My OCD at work. List Three!

Anyway, we got past the tricky problem of my OCD with a layout of a few choice themes and I packed accordingly.

So Thursday evening I had my outfits and a few extras laid out ready to pack Saturday morning. I also had a list of cosmetics and shoes written out.


And Saturday rolls around! I get home from Pedestal and put into action a pre-planned schedule of events. Shower, dress, pack, breakfast and await my chauffeur to collect me!  The wonderful MasterfulM or Malcom, he being one of the forces that conspired to get me to attend!

I seem to be dragging this along and I still don't know what to say about the day! We arrived at the home of Ana, or Ms Foo to her babygirl and unloaded to the car.

Started out by setting up the "studio" and playing with the inversion table! The other participants and the photographers arrived. The fun soon got started.

Not sure what to say really. The day in all was a bit of a blur for me. It was a lot of fun I do know that! The day seemed to be a bit of a photography lesson for a couple of the gents.
A lot of photos were taken and a few costume changes were made. And I dozed on the sofa! I was really tired!
I had my picture taken with Ms Foo, MasterfulM and BartDJ. I had a lot of fun on the inversion table at the hands of MasterfulM.
What to say really? I don't know. I had a lot of fun, I was really glad I did attend in the end but the day was a blur!

Needless to say, the day ended with me being dropped home by MasterfulM, tired and happy!

Spank-A-Sprite

Well, where do I begin on this blog about Spank-A-Sprite?

About a month or so ago I came up with the idea of a charity spank-athon where I'd put might delicate derrière on the line in the name of charity!

So I approached a new friend of mine and asked her to help me organize the thing. A request that she leaped at heartily! And then the whole thing spiralled from there.

The original plan was to hold it at her house but a clash of events meant an early cancellation for the spankings until I spoke to the organizer of the other event and she agreed that we could hold the event there.

And yesterday, Spank-A-Sprite went ahead! Though it almost didn't. For most of Friday morning I had been violently ill and had been throwing up! This was caused by another event earlier in the week, but I'm not going into that right now.

Anyway, I awoke in the afternoon and I was determined that since the wheels had been put in motion only death, or worse, was going to stop me. I ate a light dinner of toast and showered, then laid out my clothes for the night and got things ready!

I was picked up by a very generous and charming young man who lately has been a boon to my social life. Without him, I couldn't have attended the event and it would have hit a road block. And like I said, lately he has been a prince and an angel.

We arrive at the event shortly after 8pm and shortly after that my partner in crime arrived. Spank-A-Sprite had begun! My sidekick started the events with eight strokes of a cane. I have to tell you! Even for a masochist like myself, I thought I wouldn't last the night! I don't know why but lately I have been really sensitive to spankings and the like!

I wont go into a blow by blow account but over the course of the night I took 60 strokes of a cane, 24 from a paddle, 15 swats from the hand and 17 from misc items. The misc items were 2 from a dragon tail, 10 from The Shelf and 5 from a flogger! 12 strokes from the cane came from one stern Lady with a swing like the right hook of a heavy weight boxer!!

By the time it came to the last of the donations, I was feeling a bit spacey and a little unsteady.

I learnt something interesting about myself last night! I am a masochist and always considered to have a fairly decent pain threshold, but last night because the strokes/swats were spread out over the course of the whole evening I certainly felt every single stroke and I almost called a halt to the whole event.
So, pack all the beatings into a short space of time and I'm fine! Spread it out and I'm hopeless!

But, to the whole point of Spank-A-Sprite, I managed to raise a humble £77 for Comic Relief.

Thank you to those that donated and contributed, thank you to the young lady that assisted me in organizing it and thank you to all the others that helped make it possible.

Filming With Miss Deviant

Last Wednesday I had the distinct pleasure of being allowed to assist Miss Deviant on her film shoot. This was long in the planning and I set aside the day so only sickness and death would prevent me from attending.

I arrived at the Hoxton Dungeon Suite and was greeted by the lady that owns it, Madame Caramel. I have had the pleasure of Madame’s company and attention in the past. My first job as soon as I arrived was to acquire provisions for the day, so I was sent to the local shops.

Miss Deviant arrived whilst I was out and I was quickly sent back out for provisions for Miss Deviant.

I was instructed in my duties for the day which was to help keep the place looking clean and tidy, to greet the submissives as they arrived, to take their tribute and to see the paperwork.

I was also star along side Miss Deviant in one of the scenes. Which was why I was instructed to bring ginger! Fresh ginger! But more about that later!

Shortly after changing into my maids uniform the first gentleman arrived. He was given a tour of the Hoxton DS by Miss Deviant and filming swiftly began. I kept out of the way of this one, but needless to say he was a very bad employee with a very naughty secret! If you want to know more you’ll just have to watch the video clips!!

After that, because we had time to kill due to a few cancellations I was brought out on stage to do my piece as the naughty maid. Needless to say I was caught on my knees with the rent man and was promptly punished by Miss with a large plug of ginger!! I must say I was rather good, and I’m not a bad actress either!!

After the rent man/bad employee was dismissed we had more time to kill, again because of the cancellations, so a little improv was called for. One for the foot fetishist out there. It was going to be a simple foot massage/toe sucking sort of scene but when I mentioned that I have small liking to the sucking/licking of chocolate spread from the feet of Mistresses, Miss Deviant’s eyes positively lit up. So I was sent packing to shops once more to find a jar of chocolate spread.

Upon my return Miss Deviant was just finishing up her own little foot massage scene and after a quick wardrobe change we began. Again no spoilers but after massaging in the chocolate spread, I then worked on removing it with my tongue!! It was very very tasty and very very hot!!!

After that, the day rolled on as planned pretty much with Miss Deviant’s other players arriving and scenes were played out. I’m here to talk about my day but needless to say Miss can certainly has a bag full of tricks and is a very talented Lady. There was hot wax, CBT, flogging, caning, electrics and much more.

As the day drew to a close, Miss Deviant was left with just three of us happy little performers and it was time to get really intimate!!! Dildos everywhere!!! But mostly up the bum!! The two male submissives were quickly joined cheek to cheek with a double dildo and I was restrained and impaled upon the dildo stick!! After a little dancing I was given a caning for my indiscretion earlier then
 I was released and sent on my way back to the kitchen whilst Miss finished off the two gentleman that had stayed on!

The Adventure Playground

Well, last night I got to discover something about me, something I have wanted to do for a very long time and something I have had trouble achieving!

I discovered my little, my inner child that has for years been clawing it's way back to the surface.

Over these years I have had my troubles that I have had to face like a grown up. I live alone so can't fully let go of my grown up self. I need supervision, a grown up to watch over me and let me go crazy. So that if I stumble, they'll pick me up and brush me off and tell me it'll be alright!

And whilst I still don't have that grown up in my life, last night I got to let her out. The little girl that has asked to play for oh so long!

I got to throw myself around a huge adventure playground, I got to drink sugary slushies and eat pots of sweets. I got to colour in and play with play doh. I got to brat and play games with lots of new friends. I felt safe, I felt happy and I felt alive again. I felt like me!!

It almost upsets me to feel like that I have to put her back in the box but I know I have a place now for her to go until I find my grown up.

Thank you everyone last night for helping me out of the box. Sorry about the balls! It just means I likes you. x

Resurrection

I have found a new life for the yada yada yada blog!

Hopefully I shall be able to give a brief summary of every little adventure I attend!

Therefore after a brief renovation, the blog is reopened!