OK, you want to talk, let's talk!

A lot has happened in the past month or so! And a couple of disturbing incidents! Disturbing for me and for those that have chosen to care for me!

And I have been asked to talk! I think it's to help resolve the road blocks!

But despite my constant banter and playful chatting, to talk about me is not an easy as it sounds. Especially when it comes to how I'm feeling.

I've made no attempt to hide my past, my childhood! I was an emotionally and mentally unstable child! No one really knew why! They threw fancy initials about and gave me long winded labels, and they sat me down to talk! To talk about why I was the way I was! They asked me questions about my parents, about school, what I liked to do and what I wanted to do! And they wanted to talk about my emotions! Then they told me that I shouldn't bottle up my emotions, they told me I should scream and shout, wail and talk about my emotions! So I had my hissy fits and my temper tantrums, I screamed and let out my emotions! Cried when I was sad, yelled when I was angry, cowered when I was scared, hide when I wanted to be alone! And then I'd find a grown up and I'd talk!

Then I got a little bit older and certain people got "concerned" by my outbursts! They seemed to be surprised by them and couldn't understand why I was acting out the way I was. And I couldn't find the right words to express why I did what I did. When I said I was unbottling my emotions, they turned on me. Called me an attention seeker. Suddenly, there was no more grown ups that wanted to hear me talk. I had no way to turn off the tap, the lid of the bottle was lost! But there was no one there that wanted to listen!

"Oh, just leave him alone! He's just an attention seeker!"

"He's just acting out for the attention! Ignore him!"

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to! I'd wail, scream, shout, go off and find a dark place to compose my thoughts! But no one wanted to hear them!

So fashioned a new bottle not for my emotions but one for my thoughts! I'd go dark places deep inside and I'd squirrel my thoughts away!

I adopted the mantle of attention seeker, though it weighed me down! I didn't know how to switch off the dark emotions, didn't know how to express them lightly! Most of all I forgot how to speak those thoughts!

So now a days I am at conflict within myself! I am full of lost thoughts, dark emotions and troubles that I find hard to unlock to talk about!

I run off to dark corners to catalogue my thoughts, because I have lost the ability to share them! I have lost the ability to talk! I want to talk, I want to wail and scream and voice my darkest heart but I don't know the words anymore. The are locked in a room in my mind barred by the mantle of attention seeker!


Be careful, very careful with the advice you give a troubled child! Sometimes it'll stick even though you think they aren't listening! I listened as a child and a lot of things sunk in. A lot of things that adults shouldn't say about a troubled child! A child who just wanted to talk!

The Easter Weekend Photoshoot!

WOW! What an Easter weekend it has been!!

Firstly there was Pedestal on the Friday, which was its usual glorious event. I always have a marvellous time at Pedestal.

Then on Saturday I was invited to and attended a photoshoot, on which this post will be about!

And finally on Sunday I attended Toppers Easter Special! Which was amazingly good fun despite me feeling a little tired! I'm not use to such lengthy routines and it's something I've been trying to get back into because I have been getting lazy and tired!

But back to the photoshoot!

I didn't think it was going to happen because of Pedestal the night before is quite a busy day for me and I don't get home till the early hours on Saturday.
But forces conspired against me and I was compelled to attend. But other forces to the negative meant I almost had to beg forgiveness and cancel on the day. My own brand of OCD was storming the beach head of doubt and was helped by the suggestions on what I should pack, which was vague! Getting nearer the time I was experiencing panic attacks and doubt! Doubt on my own abilities!

Let me explain. When I want to do a photoshoot it's usually only after I know what I want, the theme and what I want to wear! The photoshoot this weekend wasn't my idea and I had no idea what to pack! So I was panicking!

My OCD at work. List Three!

Anyway, we got past the tricky problem of my OCD with a layout of a few choice themes and I packed accordingly.

So Thursday evening I had my outfits and a few extras laid out ready to pack Saturday morning. I also had a list of cosmetics and shoes written out.


And Saturday rolls around! I get home from Pedestal and put into action a pre-planned schedule of events. Shower, dress, pack, breakfast and await my chauffeur to collect me!  The wonderful MasterfulM or Malcom, he being one of the forces that conspired to get me to attend!

I seem to be dragging this along and I still don't know what to say about the day! We arrived at the home of Ana, or Ms Foo to her babygirl and unloaded to the car.

Started out by setting up the "studio" and playing with the inversion table! The other participants and the photographers arrived. The fun soon got started.

Not sure what to say really. The day in all was a bit of a blur for me. It was a lot of fun I do know that! The day seemed to be a bit of a photography lesson for a couple of the gents.
A lot of photos were taken and a few costume changes were made. And I dozed on the sofa! I was really tired!
I had my picture taken with Ms Foo, MasterfulM and BartDJ. I had a lot of fun on the inversion table at the hands of MasterfulM.
What to say really? I don't know. I had a lot of fun, I was really glad I did attend in the end but the day was a blur!

Needless to say, the day ended with me being dropped home by MasterfulM, tired and happy!